As the Lunar New Year drew close, I spent a lot of time debating internally whether to write an annual review for 2015 or not. In retrospect, it’s been the worst year of my life so far that not much good can be ‘reported’. At the same time, I’ve posted the annual reviews for 4 years now, sometimes it’s the only piece of writing I bother putting up for the whole year. I should keep the ‘tradition’ going.
Yet as the first day of my Lunar new year was spent drinking local wine, shooting the breeze, and laughing my head off with friends old and new in a village named Qalat (which none of us was able to pronounce properly after way too many attempts) in the most unlikely country of all, Iran, I decided going for it. Hopefully my good mood on that day would set a positive tone for this year of 2016. One should never underestimate the power of wine in trying times.
When I wrote in last year annual review that 2015 bring it on, I never expected the year to turn out like it did. To borrow the words of someone who understood well what I was going through, it was a year of turbulence with a few bad hits in a row.
The bad
My job was cut. My favourite ever. The one that on most days I felt happy getting up, sliding the window open while I picked out an outfit for. For days upon learning of the news I was in a state of denial. This cannot be happening to me. Twice. In 3 years? Seriously. It was like having found the guy of your dream after two many wrong guys (jobs) only to see him hit by a truck. No, he dumped me. It took a great deal of time for the import of an incident like that to sink in.
The only bright spot of that day was, in hindsight, very ironic to learn that someone I had always fancied was interested in me. Which – long story short, no, short story even shorter – led to a short-lived courtship that resulted in a major heartbreak from my end that compounded my situation.
To top it all off, the year continued with a terrible falling out with a friend that was so close to me that I once thought we were sisters.
The ugly
I was overly optimistic about taking some time off work, to explore other options or at least make some progress in another area of my life that I hadn’t known was that important. At several points, I was actually thrilled about taking a break after so many years working job after job.
Instead I ended up having a nervous breakdown, a quarter-life crisis, and being depressed for a couple of months on end. I cried more than I’m proud to confess because that was the only way I know to relieve myself of constant anxiety about the future.
I shied away from meeting other human beings for I felt like an utter failure. For the first time ever, my life didn’t make sense to me. Days passed by like a blur with an unfounded hope that tomorrow is going to be better. Who knows rumination could be addictive and going over one’s misery could be a favourite pastime.
The good
Somehow during this wasted year I had summoned some energy to actually do a few things. I read somewhere that if you feel stuck, create something or help someone. So I spent a few weeks volunteering for Pacific Links Foundation in the Mekong Delta, an anti-human trafficking NGO that I had learned about through work and became a fan of. It was as close to my volunteering-in-Africa dream as it could be. Amid the horror stories of girls being sold by their neighbour for 3 million dongs, my shattered self-esteem and broken heart seemed insignificant.
Yet I also learned not to trivialise my struggles nor beat myself up for how I coped with what was going on. The person one should love unconditionally is oneself, not some random guy who showed up in one’s life, no matter how impressive he is, how fairytale-like the romance was (all but for the horrible ending), nor how hard it was getting over him.
As the author of Eat, Pray, Love Elizabeth Gilbert has put it in her famous TED talk ‘Success, failure, and the drive to keep creating’, I ‘went home’ to writing, as an emotional outlet and a source of tremendous joy. It’s just a shame I haven’t done enough of it. My only resolution for 2016 is then to finish all the pieces that I started but are still sitting in my computer.
I got my first article published on an English magazine in Vietnam. While it’s not my favourite piece of travel writing (which would be the one I wrote about Burma in English and Amsterdam in Vietnamese), I was proud. Somehow the item “Have an article published before 30” on my life list put down as a whim a few years back did come true. Which wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for the despair I felt and the need to prove myself, in any way I could.
Probably the best thing that came out of this turbulent year of 2015, as corny as it might sound, is how much I realised I am blessed with the unwavering support and love of friends and family, whose faith in me never seem to falter even when mine had, long before that. To know that you are still loved despite your shortcomings and even at your weakest moments is perhaps the most comforting and uplifting thing in life.
And when I really think about the sorrow and heartbreak I suffered during the past year, it was worth all the goodness that came before it. I would always be sad those beautiful things were over, but I would also be glad they happened.
I hate to be so positive when all I felt was desperation and uncertainty. Yet if I was able to come out of 2015 alive though not unscathed, the prospect of 2016 doesn’t bode too badly.
Or as Winston Churchill put it, If you’re going through hell, keep going.
ALMOST LOST, BUT NOT QUITE 